Sometimes we have the student nurses come in to the ward.

They are still learning, so strange things can happen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four-hour, surgical procedure.

Nurse Cratchit appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

“Nurse” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, Nurse Cratchit replies, “I don’t know sir, I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then she takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, sir.”

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely… ..

Are - my - test - results - back?!!?”

 

Who said that!! That's not funny!!

 

I'll be back, don't you worry!

 

 

 

It has been very busy here. We've seen all types of patients today.

 

 

Erma Easilay came in to help.

 I think she wants Doctor Killsmany.

 I see her shaking her tail down the hall. She's a hussy.

 

 

Dr. Killsmany

 

 

 

This nice lady had a tragic accident.

 

 

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into the ward.

Doctor Killsmany says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample."

 The old man says, "What?"

So Doctor Killsmany says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?"

So Doctor  Killsmany yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!"

With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

 

 

 

An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Cratchit that his penis died.

Nurse Cratchit, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied.

Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants.

Nurse Cratchit saw him and said, "Mr. Smith, I thought you told me your penis died?"

 "It did," he replied. "Today is the viewing!"

 

 

Who said that?? You should be ashamed of yourselves.

 

 

I'll be back, don't you worry.

 Meet the psychiatrist.

 

 

Dr. Jolly

 

 Dr. Jolly is a fine man. He has a small group of patients. Seems they drop like flies under his care. Most drop from very tall buildings while screaming Jeronimooooooooooo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Welcome to the psychiatrist hotline:

 

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 . . . repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and we are tracing this call. Please stay on the line.

If you are schizophrenic, please wait and a little voice will tell you what to do.

If you are manic depressive it doesn’t matter what you do, no one cares about you anyway

 

 

I've seen this guy in the clinic, I don't think his lobotomy was effective.

 

 

 I used to date that guy. I liked the mask. He made me wear one too, when I wasn't wearing the paper bag.

 

Dr. Jolly loves to help the children.

 

 

A very homely young woman made an appointment with a Dr. Jolly.

She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no man will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"

 

"I'm sure I can," Dr. Jolly replied. "Just go over there and lie face down on that couch."

 

 

 

On the ward Nurse Cratchit walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.

Nurse Cratchit asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"

Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"

Nurse Cratchit wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day Cratchit enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago".

"Great," replied Nurse Cratchit.

Cratchit leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.

Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?!" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

 

 

 That's not funny!! Who said that???

You should be ashamed of yourselves!!

 

 I'll be back, don't you worry!!

 

 The urologist is in.

 

 

 Dr. Krochburne

 

 

"Had to go the cock doc. You know, the urologist. The guy who graduated Medical School and decided to specialize in fondling my jammy and grapes. "

 

Dr. Krotchburne has many grateful patients.

 

 

Not to brag, but we've had several very famous people here to visit Dr. Krotchburne.

 

 

 Hitler

 

 

 "The King"

 

 

Einstein

Pee Wee Herman

 

 Thomas Edison

 

Grace Jones

 

Michael Jackson

 

John Wayne Bobbit

 

 Bill Gates

 

The Beatles.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A man had an appointment to see Dr. Krotchburne who shared an office with several other doctors.

The waiting room was the size of a small auditorium, and it was filled with patients.

 He approached the desk, where Nurse Cratchit sat -- a large, imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. In a very loud voice Nurse Cratchit repeated his name, then said, "Yes, I see your name here-----you want to see Dr. Krotchburne about IMPOTENCE, right?

He was stunned, but recovered his composure sufficiently to reply in an equally loud voice, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation---and I'd like the same doctor who did yours!!"

 

 WHO SAID THAT!!!

 

You all should be ashamed of yourselves. I'll give you sex change!!

 

 

I'll be back, don't you worry.

 

 

Dr. Bendsum

 

 

 Dr. Bendsum's assistant.

 

 

 

Dr. Bendsum is humored by the comments of his patients.

 

"Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

"Can you hear me NOW?"

"Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

"Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

"You know, in some states, we're now legally married."

"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

"You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out.
You do the Hokey Pokey...."

"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

"If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why did the Nurse Cratchit keep the bedpan in the refrigerator?

Because when she kept it in the freezer it took too much skin off.

 

 

Who said that!!! That's not funny. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

 

 

I'll be back, dont you worry.