I do not believe since my long absence from this dive I'm still receiving disturbing messages.

I did not have anything to do with Dr. Killsmany's untimely death.

The investigation remains open.

All you fruitcakes need to just go about your business of whatever it is you do here.

 

I've been transferred to a different hospital.

All the flimflam surrounding the inquest made it impossible to work.

People just can't stop meddling in my business.

I know I'm an interesting subject, everyone wants to know about

ETHEL CRATCHIT.

So there you have it, you can stop with the messages.

All you young men with your vile disgraceful thoughts, you are barking up the wrong tree.

Sex pots and hooligans!!

I'll be back, don't you worry!!

 

The ward is still mourning the untimely death of Dr. Killsmany. There was a moderate amount of chocolate pudding found in his body. Rumor has it, his clothing and unmentionable parts of his anatomy were covered with bright red lipstick, the color only that hussy Lola Mae wears.

The investigation continues.

The interviews go on for Dr. Killsmany's replacement. There are three physicians the ward is still considering.

Dr. Mark Masque

This quipster wore his surgical mask during his whole interview. Although his credentials were outstanding, references excellent. He's a kook.

Dr. Jed Duda

Old as dirt. The interview was unnerving. All questions had to be asked loudly into his stethoscope. Old codger.

Dr. Bob Bragbone

Three dollar bill. Used his skeleton like a ventriloquist act. The interview was ended abruptly when the Dr. kept repeating, "touch my bone, touch my bone." Fruitcake.

Dr. Krochburne

Urologist

On the cutting edge, Dr. Krotchborne has come up with a new line of medication just for men.

With Viagra such a great medical success for increasing men's sexual prowess, Dr. Krotchborne is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.

 

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

VIAGRA-SKI -Wonderful for those who have a hard time getting up on water-skis. Forty-five minutes after taking it, you'll get up and stay up, out of the water.

CHILDAGRA- Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents".

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gasesback into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

A new patient was quite upset when Nurse Cratchit led him to a small, curtained cubicle and told him to undress. "But I only want the doctor to look at an ingrown toenail!" he protested.

 "Our rule is that everyone must undress," replied Cratchit as she handed him a very skimpy johnny. "That's a stupid rule," grumbled the patient, "making me undress just to look at my toe."

"That's nothing," growled a voice from the next cubicle. "I just came to fix the phones!"

I'll be back, Don't you worry!!!!

Over the holidays Dr. Killsmany met an untimely death.

The details are a bit sketchy but from what I hear it was over in a flash.

A part of me died with him that night.

The ward is buzzing with who may take his place. I'm hoping for one of the cute interns. A little eye candy goes a long way on the ward.

A man goes to the doctor's office one day.

Nurse Lol Mae, quite attractive, says, "The doctor is over at the hospital right now. He won't be back for about an hour. Could you tell me your symptoms, please?"

He tells her.

Lola Mae looks at him appraisingly and decides he's just tense.

She offers, "Well, um, for $50, I've got just the thing for you!"

He agrees, and she takes him into an examining room and screws the daylights out of him. About a week later, he returns, only to find that the doctor is there.

The doctor listens to the man's symptoms, examines him, and decides the man is just tense. The doctor writes out a prescription for a sedative and says,

"That'll be $150 for this visit." The man says,

"If it's all the same to you, doctor, I'd rather have the $50 cure!"

 

A man was in the waiting room filling out a questionnaire prior to having his stress test.

He was standing chatting with the receptionist as he completed the paperwork.

He told the receptionist he was here to "get me some of that Veeayra (Viagra) stuff but they are making me run for it".

His wife gasps and runs up to the desk where her husband is chatting with the receptionist.

She says, I have to go for tetanus shot.

"Oh my", replies the startled receptionist, "Did you cut yourself?" "HAH" she snorts,

"If he is going to crank up that rusty old piece of equipment I am going to need it!"

 

 

 

A man returns from the Middle East and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo some tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.

 "This is your doctor. We have the results back from your tests and we have found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H.

It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"

"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread." replied the doctor. "Will that cure me?" asked the man. The doctor replied,

 "Well no, but, it's the only food we can slide under the door."

Happy New Year all you hooligans.

 

 

Don't worry, I'll be back!!

 

I haven't been around much lately, what do you think, I'm here just for your cockamamie enjoyment?

Maybe I'm tired of taking care of asses.

 

 

 Word is there has been something stirring in the Ward Cafeteria.

 

 

 

Chef Flapdoodle stumbled across a pair of ladies unmentionables under the stream table.

 

 

 

They had the initials LML on them, it could only be one person.

That hussy Lola Mae!!

 

Dr. Jolly

 

Dr. Jolly has been seeing many patients these past few weeks.

The holiday season is a bad time for some of them.

 

 

Christmas is for everyone....

 

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER

Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

 

DEMENTIA

 I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas.

 

 DEPRESSION

Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely

 

 MANIC

 Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

 

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER

We Three Queens Disoriented Are

 

NARCISSISTIC

Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

 

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER

 Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,............

(better start again)

 

 PARANOID

Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

 

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY

 On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

 

PERSONALITY DISORDER

 You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why.

 

SCHIZOPHRENIA

 Do you Hear What I Hear?

 

I hope everyone has fun with all the holiday hoopla.

 

 

I'll be back, don't you worry!!

I know you all have missed me but I see the antics have contuinued!!

   

Rule 1 -- The Nurse Is Always Right

Rule 2 -- Never yell at the nurses (refer to Rule #1.)

Rule 3 -- Don't hit patients or doctors-unless necessary.

Rule 4 -- All fevers will eventually come back to normal on the way to room temperature.

Rule 5-- Don't vomit on the doctor!

Rule 6 -- Death is a severe stage of shock, or shock is a pause in the act of dying.

Rule 7 -- All bleeding stops eventually.

Rule 8 -- Remember, the problem is always better than the X-ray looks.

Rule 9 -- You can't hurt a dead man.

Rule 10 -- Everybody has to die sometime.

Rule 11 -- Always do whatever you do best.

Rule 12 --Everyone gets treated exactly the same in here ---until he pisses you off.

Rule 13 -- To be right is only half the battle; to convince the patient is more difficult.

Rule 14 -- Uncommon manifestations of common diseases are more common than are uncommon diseases.

Rule 15 --The pain will go away when it stops hurting.

Rule 16 -- Don't get excited about blood loss-unless it's your own

Rule 17 -- It doesn't matter what you do as long as it's right.

Rule 18 -- If a patient has a catheter ---he needs it.

Rule 19 -- In medicine, always remember never to say always and never.

 

 

I know I have been away for some time. I have a new lover. Dr. Killsmany will always be in my heart but a woman has needs.

 

Meet Bubba

 

I met him here on the ward, after a very serious surgery, Bubba pulled through. I know it is unethical to date a patient but after his care here, he will not be returning to the ward.

 

Nurse Cratchit took Bubba home one night.

When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69.

"What do you mean?" Bubba asked.

Not knowing quite how to explain, she said, "You put your head between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs."

Still unsure but willing, Bubba agreed.

As soon as he got his head between her legs, Nurse Cratchit let out a rip-roaring fart.

"What the hell was that?!?" he asked.

"Oops! I'm so sorry! Let's try again," Cratchit said.

On the second attempt the very same thing happened.

Bubba immediately got up and started getting dressed.

"Where are you going?" Cratchit asked.

To which Bubba replied, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!"

 

Who said that??? That is not funny!!

 

Don't worry, I'll be back!